Nowhere, Vermont - Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month. After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come." "Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me." As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
Rotten Little Johnny - Kids: "Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?" Mother: "I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy," Kids: "Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?"
Green - Q: If you've got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have? A: Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.
Screwing Rooster - There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters. So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway. So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals. So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said,"Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death!" But the rooster just kept on screwing. One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around. So he walked up to the rooster and said,"I told you you'd screw yourself to death!" then the rooster opened his eyes and said, - "SHUT-UP! I'm trying to get them to land!"
Don't Mess With The I.R.S! - To: All Male U.S. Citizens From: I.R.S. Service Center Re: Notice of increase in tax payments The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts. Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size. ------- The categories are as follows: ------- 10 - 12 inches.......Luxury Tax $30.00 8 - 10...............Pole Tax $25.00 5 - 8................Privilege Tax $15.00 4 - 5................Nuisance Tax $3.00 Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! Sincerely, Pecker Checker I.R.S
The Splice - A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
The problem with Santa! - 1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Some Blonde Joke Quickies - ********************************************** Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. ********************************************** Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? A. "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!" ********************************************** Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A. Her blinker was on. ********************************************** Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet? A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion. ********************************************** Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves? A. She fell out of the tree ******************************************** Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye? A. Shine a flashlight in her ear. ******************************************** Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow? A. So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their tits. ********************************************** Q. How do blonde brain cells die? A. Alone. ********************************************
Men & Public Toilets! - Ok guys, own up...which one are you? Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger. Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not. Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later. Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy. Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink. Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot. Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do. Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants. Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing. Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering. Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing. Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him. Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later. Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing. Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing. Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time. Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops. Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers. Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers. Cock-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.
Shellfish Crab - Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone. Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too. When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's my ice cream cone? "Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too." She was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard!!"
The Shrine - One day 3 men went to a shrine to ask the Father for forgivness. The first man went to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!" Father: "What have you done?" The first man:" I have lied!" Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved." And so the man drank the water and was "saved". Then the second man went up to the Father and said:" Father, Father I have sinned!" Father: "What have you done?" The second man: " I have stolen from the jeweler's!" Father: "Drink the Holy water and you will be saved." And so the man drank the holy water and was "saved". The third man went up to the Father and said: " Father, Father I have sinned!" Father: "What have you done?" The third man: " I peed in the Holy water!"
Almost Love - A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
Call A Smart Blonde - Q: What do you call a smart blond? A: A golden retriever!
3 Blonde Shorties! - A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.'' The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.'' ------------------ A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.'' The blond yelled at the doctor... ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!'' ------------------ A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working." "Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
Military Wisdom! - 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. 4. The easy way is always mined. 5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them. 8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. 9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. 12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. 14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. 15. When in doubt empty the magazine. 16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. 17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing. 18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. 19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. 23. Five second fuses only last three seconds. 24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.